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Brace Yourself

One year ago I drove through the desert in a Ford Fusion so packed up I could not see out my back window. After over twelve and a half hours, I then spent another twenty minutes circling an apartment complex trying to find my new building. It was 7pm and 96 degrees out but I was just so excited to finally be in Scottsdale, Arizona instead of Fort Collins Colorado. I was ready to explore, meet new people, go to the gym consistently, kick my depression to the curb, and start a new life. If I could go back in time and tell this version of me anything, all I would say is…

“Brace yourself.”

You can make all of the plans in the world but if they get disrupted, there is not much you can do. With how disrupted my plans were, I may as well have just gotten in my car with nothing and decided to wing it.

My first big disruption was my living situation. The excitement of it all quickly wore off after a week of sleeping on an air mattress before I could get my bed and other furniture put together. Once I had a bed, my only real source of stress in the apartment was having to walk Koda around the complex at night, which as a 5’1 woman, is a little scary, and even more so when my roommate had to call 911 a week after moving in because a block away there was a domestic dispute resulting in some gunfire. 

How I wish that had been the only problem.

Two days before the first day of school, five minutes after getting back to my apartment, a puddle began to form on the floor between my room and bathroom. Then water began to gush from my ceiling. Then through the smoke alarm directly outside of my bedroom causing the alarm to sound. Koda did not like that. 

The aftermath of a broken toilet on the floor above me led to $2000 in personal damages. My bedding, brand new bed, and mattress were ruined among many other things, though thankfully nothing of sentimental value was ruined and I was there when it happened which meant Koda was okay. But I was back to sleeping on an air mattress. My new plan was to buy a bed after the insurance check came in, but after waiting six weeks I had to just buy one out of pocket. It took six months of constant calls, emails, photo evidence and filing a claim with the state of Arizona to finally get an insurance check that was still $600 less than my damages. 

And then came the cockroaches.

A couple who also lived in our building were evicted. I am sure there is an official term for it but I am just going to say it is due to the fact that they were absolutely filthy. My upstairs neighbors watched as people in hazmat suits went into the next door unit bringing out trash bag after trash bag, many filled with the remains of fast food, others with what could only be described to me as “black sludge.” It was a roach’s paradise. But once it was vacated the roaches had to relocate and chose my unit as their new home. There were daily sightings, egg sacs in multiple cabinets, and cheez its were forever ruined for me after reopening the box and pouring those delicious squares plus one cockroach into what was going to be a part of my lunch.  It took weeks and me almost getting thrown out of the office by security (long story!) to get our unit sprayed and traps set up.

My lease does not end until September but I found a good deal and moved into a house just last week. One housemate is twice my age and the other one and landlord is eighty five and has plans to live another forty years and I believe if there is anyone who can achieve it, it’s her (we put up drapes on step stools together!) Koda has a yard, and I have yet to see a roach and I am known for being an old soul so this is certainly an upgrade, though paying two rents is not ideal.

The second big disruption was my job. I joined during a season of change for the district and one of their big changes was doing a trimester system. I am somebody who builds relationships slowly and this new system proved challenging, as did some of the class sizes. I will never forget the first day when I had a final class with 39 students, 30 of which were boys. A group decided to pass around a speaker blasting music. Sadly turning it off did not work due to it being bluetooth and as I did not know most of these kids I marched all 39 of them to the office to hand it in. Things stayed a little chaotic throughout the term but definitely improved from that day. But building relationships with such a large class size was tough. 

If you thought my apartment flooding was going to be the only flood story, you were mistaken! It all started with water dripping from my classroom ceiling any time it rained (which happens in AZ way more than you’d think!). Well dripping turned into pouring and tiles falling from the ceiling. It eventually got so bad I had to relocate and finish out the school year in a different room a teacher loaned out to me. 

I also had courses I never taught before and class periods were 70 minutes long each day so preparing these lessons took up a lot of time. I worked over 65 hours a week that first term, which effectively destroyed my daily gym visits and attempts at having a blossoming social life. Though there was clearly Godly intervention here. My mom’s old friend from college has a brother who lives in Arizona and heard I moved out here. I met him and his wife and they introduced me to their deceased son’s widow, and his best friend, Ryan. We got to know each other over the course of a few months. I then went to their other son’s wedding as his plus one where he was the best man. We have now been together for nearly 8 months. 

But back to my job. I really did have great coworkers and superiors and I loved my hooligan students. There were just so many challenges and so much chaos both in school and in my real life that made me realize I could not stay teaching. At the end of July I will be starting a new job as an educational coach for a private company. I will still have students but no more than twelve, they have their own curriculum picked out by their parents and no grading. I am just there to help them and develop their social skills (and yes I see the irony in that!).

My last area of major disruption was finances. Teaching is not a high paying job, especially early on in the career. I was prepared for that. Moving is expensive. I was prepared for that. My rent went up several hundred dollars. I was prepared for that. Koda was not ready to be on his own and had to go to daycare a few days a week. I was prepared for that. Unfortunately I was not prepared for everything else. Obviously my apartment flooding was costly, even with insurance money. My car window seal broke and that was costly. Koda kept having weird medical stuff right after we moved and that was costly. But what really hit me hard was my paycheck.

It turns out different states have different rules regarding teacher pay that I was not aware of. For starters they take out more in Arizona for their retirement system. But what really hit hard was the social security pay. In Colorado, if you work for the public school system or other government jobs you do not pay into social security but that is not the case in Arizona. About $300 a month I did not anticipate was now gone just from that. My overall salary here was $6,000 more than my salary my first year teaching but my monthly pay was somehow $200 less. I was prepared to save less money than I had in Colorado because I knew I was very fortunate with my rent and cost of living situation out there. However, I was not prepared to not be able to save anything at all and sometimes even be forced to dip into my savings. 

Getting a second job was not a viable option either. Especially first term with my work load and then after that, I couldn’t do that to Koda. And the summer break here is much shorter and only 8 weeks, so even finding a summer job would have been nearly impossible. It still feels funny to say this was so challenging for me because others struggle and have struggled in ways that go beyond having to live paycheck to paycheck while still having money saved. It was just such a drastic difference and one I was not ready for. But this new job will have higher pay, and less money taken out of it. Plus Koda no longer needs daycare so once the job starts and I am no longer paying two rents, things will get better and I will recover.

This past year had trial after trial. The previous year was a horrible year for my depression while this one was a horrible year for my anxiety. And yet God was with me through them both and I think he is about to calm the storm at least a little. There were a lot of other things that transpired over this last year but I wanted to just stick to the highlights. Through it all I have learned more about what it truly means to be resilient and what it means to give up control because I had none. I am still a planner but I understand God may teach me more things by taking me in a totally different direction and I have to be okay with it. I wonder what the version of me a year from now would tell this version of me. Hopefully not “Brace yourself. Again.” But if it is, I can do it. The Lord is with me.

If you’re intrigued by this post and looking forward to what I’ll write about in the future, you can expect a new post at some point in the future. Also, if you feel inclined, feel free to leave a comment below about what you think. Thanks for all your support and I hope you’ll come back the next time I post. Stay Amazing!

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Treasures in Heaven

There are few careers offering the same trials and rewards as teaching. One unique aspect of teaching is how one of the worst parts is so intertwined with the best part – the relationships. Over the past three years I have met, gotten to know, taught, and cared for over 200 people. Over the past three years I have also said goodbye to over 200 people who once occupied a desk in my classroom, a classroom I know longer have since I am moving away to Arizona where I will have a new classroom full of new students where this process will begin again. After all, history does repeat itself.

But this post is not about my move. Actually, it’s about treasure!

Treasure is typically seen as something worldly, as something with monetary value. And with this framing, the passage in the Bible below was one I struggled to understand because I interpreted it way too literally.

“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal,  but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” – Matthew 6:19-21

The last part I always understood; you love what you value. (Fun side note, this part of the passage appears in the book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows!) And therefore it is important not to value worldly things as much as Godly things. But the concept of treasures in Heaven always confused me – what do I need treasures in Heaven for? I’m in Heaven! I understood the building of the treasures is doing good things on Earth but I found myself struggling to see how this computed to some sort of reward in Heaven. Regardless of my deeds on Earth, our salvation is through accepting God’s sacrifice of Jesus. So why would anything I do lead to something ‘extra’ in Heaven and what would it even be? Again, it’s Heaven, it’s already amazing!

A few weeks ago, I finally figured out what my treasure in Heaven will be. And as you could likely predict, it isn’t something of monetary value. This discovery came about primarily due to the events of a high school graduation party, one I originally did not plan to attend but somehow ended up at anyway.

Five senior grads I taught were there. At the end of the evening it was time to say goodbye. I went down the line, telling them each my favorite memory of them and some parting advice. The things I told to each of them will not be written on this posting – those words are for them and they may tell others about it if they wish but it is not for me to put it out into the open. One had to leave before it was all over but otherwise, it quickly became a very emotional and tear filled experience for the remaining four. It is hard for students and teachers alike to go from seeing one another for hours every week and then it just ceases. Usually with this sort of goodbye, a student will be sad but rationalizes the situation because they tell themselves they will come back to visit. But as I teacher, I know while a few do return, many don’t and even those who do typically only return once or very sparingly before eventually stopping altogether. And this time because of my move, former students of mine no longer have this option so they realize how permanent this goodbye is.

As a teacher you spend your time watching kids grow up. You see them in some of their highest moments and some of their lowest. Certainly, it is up to me to make sure they learn my subject, but I also do what I can to help them prepare for their futures, and help them become better people. Before my eyes they learn and grow and I’m overjoyed just to be there to see it. And then one day they are just gone, a desk becomes empty before being filled by someone new and the process starts again. Yet, every time I am left wondering what impact did I make? Did I make an impact at all? This is the true plight of teaching. For the rest of my life, I will never truly know the outcome of my work, or the impact I made on someone.

But standing on the driveway with those grads, I got a glimpse. It’s as if there’s this giant mural all covered up and I got to take a quick peek at one of the corners. It was more breath taking than a sunset, more exciting than the best rollercoaster, more fulfilling than cold water on a hot day. All of this from one little glimpse. As I stood in the driveway while one of them spoke to me, I had a sudden realization which I shared with them and now will share with those who are still reading.

While I do not preach my faith in school, many students share their beliefs with me and anytime a students asks if I believe in anything I do tell them I am a Christian. I knew this particular group of former students are strong in their faith and they also knew I am a Christian too. Which is why the true beauty of this moment was not the wonderful glimpse I saw of the impact I made on them. The true beauty, was knowing this goodbye would not be permanent. I will see them, and a good chunk of my other students again someday, even if it isn’t in this lifetime. In Heaven, God will reveal the entire mural to me and this group of students and many others will eventually be there and get to tell me about the impact I made and how their lives turned out. They will be able to go into the kind of detail they either won’t have the time or the words for in this life.

Now I understand how one can have treasure in Heaven.

There were many other incredible goodbyes during my last week teaching at Highland. I got a handcrafted wooden wand and stand from two students, Harry Potter merch and Reese’s from another and some cheese from another. I was confided in about some sad things by one and another wrote me a note telling me I was the reason they they developed a newfound passion for theology and had decided to begin reading the Bible again after years of negative religious experiences. Most goodbyes were quite simple and left a mystery as to how or if I made an impact at all. But these mysteries will eventually be treasures. How or why God has chosen to use someone as simple and flawed as me to teach others and to be the recipient of something so wonderful is something says a lot about how He loves. My treasures are really His and I am grateful just to be a part of it.

Teaching for now at least, is my calling and I am excited to see where it takes me next. But for now I will end this with one word representing a Godly trait embodied those five grads from the party in the order of which I said goodbye to them. Creative. Loyal. Humble. Servant. Joyful.

If you’re intrigued by this post and looking forward to what I’ll write about in the future, you can expect a new post at some point in the future. Also, if you feel inclined, feel free to leave a comment below about what you think. Thanks for all your support and I hope you’ll come back the next time I post. Stay Amazing!