Category: For great is his love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever. Praise the Lord

Before diving in, this is a warning to proceed to read at your own discretion because the following writing delves into issues around body image and unhealthy relationships with food and exercise. Also, God is good, and I am grateful for the growth and healing I have recently experienced and hope to continue.

Leaving a sport is a right of passage for many and yet when my 13-year-old self stepped off the spring floor at gymnastics practice for the final time, she was not ready for what would come. At this point, I was in incredible physical shape. Beating all the high school boys in push-up contests and hollow holds and being called ‘Beast’ by the PE teacher filled me with pride. Having a 6-pack didn’t hurt either. Prior to quitting gymnastics, it is safe to say I would have been in the top 5 percentile of physical fitness (outside of running, but more on that later…) for people my age.

The months wrapping up 8^th grade and transitioning into high school left me feeling directionless. I loved gymnastics but the time it took up, the way it was beginning to damage my body (still have wrist and back issues to this day) and the emotional damage from a coach who, to put it gently, was an unkind and arrogant man who would lie, and try to manipulate myself and other teammates, while still finding the time to leave during practice and return to spot us reeking of cigarettes. As the oldest girl on our team, I did my best to lead and protect the other girls, but eventually I emotionally and physically burned out. So I left. I no longer went to a gym 12 hours a week with one hour per practice being solely dedicated to conditioning.

After leaving, my 4’6 and flat chested self finally began the process of puberty previously likely halted by the extent of my physical activity. 6 months after quitting, I was about to begin high school at 4’11, actually needing a bra, and gaining about 25 pounds, though I can assure you, at this time, I still had my visible 6-pack. I also joined my high school cheer team that summer, or should I say, was coerced into joining my high school cheer team that summer. Practices were 2 hours long, 4 days a week, not including games, and while there certainly was physical activity, it paled in comparison to what I experienced with gymnastics. And so, my body kept changing. That year, I grew another inch, got my period, and gained about 15 more pounds. My muscles became a little less defined (RIP 6-pack!), but I still looked thin and athletic. For the rest of high school, this is how I looked. Today, this is how I view my past self but back then, I did not see myself as thin and athletic.

This transition was already difficult enough but then I underwent several traumatic experiences which warped my mind and having an undiagnosed anxiety disorder likely did not help. I will not be going into specifics on what these experiences were here, because I am still not ready to be fully public with that information and I do not desire to throw shame towards anyone involved. Feel free to reach out to me privately, if you are curious, and I may be willing to enlighten you a little. Bottom line, some really bad things happened and I saw myself as overweight, unattractive, and undeserving of any kind of love.

This began to manifest in a lot of ways, but one area in particular was food. As a child I was an extremely picky eater (I have mostly grown out of this luckily) and I began to feel ashamed about this and about how I thought it was impacting my body. My sophomore year, I began to hide certain foods and eat them privately, fearful of judgement. A cycle, which can only be described as ‘torturous’ began my junior year of high school. I began coaching powder puff cheer (which was truly a highlight of my time in high school, if any of the guys involved are reading this, you all really made it such a blast!) We had the practices during lunch, which is why it became so easy to start this cycle. I began skipping breakfast. And I began skipping lunch because it was so easy to pretend I ate it quickly to make it to practice. Then the rest of the school day would go by and then by time I got home from cheer, it would be 6 pm and I ‘successfully’ would have gone nearly the whole day without eating. I would eat a small dinner to not raise any suspicions and then repeat the whole process again the next day. This would go on for about a week or two, but then the hunger would feel so intense and so I would cave and binge for a few days, typically on the unhealthy foods I felt too afraid to eat in front of others. As a result, guilt and shame would flow through me, and I feared it made me ‘fatter,’ so then I would punish myself again through the starvation technique.

This cycle continued through the start of college. It was impossible to do the full extent of this cycle with the setup of the dining halls where I often ate with other people. So I did a ‘lesser version’ of it. At this point, my primary physical activity was just walking to classes on campus, which were quite far apart with a lot of stairs so I never gained weight. My problem, well one of my many problems, was I had no idea how to work out and was too scared to ask anyone. The kind of stuff I did to exercise in gymnastics didn’t fully translate to a gym and my injuries also caused some issues. Plus, by this point, the idea of going to a gym when I was no longer super in shape felt way too intimidating. Being too anxious to go to the gym was just one more thing I could add to the list of reasons to hate myself.

The end of my first year of college had me at an all-time low, again, for reasons I will not get into here, and over the summer, it only got worse. I felt trapped and alone; ashamed of my body and ashamed of what I was doing to it. I was also ashamed of how I had stopped trying to pursue God and resolved to do so when I returned to college in the fall. And praise be to God, that I finally listened to that call from Him, because I recommitted myself to Christ that school year and began to heal and experience spiritual growth.

Unfortunately, even with God, everything usually does not get better overnight. My sophomore year I did stop the part of the cycle involved in starving myself – for the most part, there were still slip ups. I tried going to my apartment gym, but that was short lived. All I really knew how to do was use the treadmill and even at my best, running has always been a weakness of mine. I felt like I wasn’t accomplishing anything and even though I tried to go to the gym when no one would be there, people still came in and the anxiety was just too much for me so I stopped.

The following year, I found a YouTube channel called Blogilates which had a workout calendar with Pilates videos to follow so I began doing that which helped me get into better shape, and since I could do it in the privacy of my own room, I felt safe. There were still some setbacks, such as living in an apartment with downstairs neighbors who I didn’t want to disturb and some old gymnastics injuries and not a lot of space even for someone as small as me to spread out in, so the workouts were extremely modified. But I was proud to be doing something. I also improved a little with cooking some healthier meals, but the eating unhealthy food in secret continued. Over the summer, I stayed in Fort Collins and found a trail and fell in love with it. I would hike it about 5 days a week and used it as a way to spend time with God. I fell even more in love with Him as a result of seeing the beautiful mountain scenery, and those moments where there were no other people in sight and the deer would appear around me. It felt as though God brought them there just for me. It felt as though I could be loved after all. I was not all better, but I was getting better. The summer of 2018 and this particular hiking trail will be forever associated with God’s love for me and the literal strides taken towards healing.

The following year, I kept working out consistently, and my unhealthy food hiding remained the unchanged secret no one knew about. Going into the spring of 2019, however, new issues arose. Due to a number of incidents occurring my spring semester, again unmentioned here, I fell into a major depressive spiral, which lasted through November. God felt far away and the love I felt from my previous hikes with Him seemed non-existent, and of course this coincided with doing a Summer Mission in Rhode Island. There was no room where I lived that summer to workout, and I got even craftier about how to secretly eat certain foods. Many other challenges arose during my time in Rhode Island, though there were highlights too. By the time I returned to Fort Collins to go into my final year of school, I was in another low place in my life. I tried to go back to the trail from before reconnect with God, but became so distraught, that I couldn’t finish and I failed to get back into the workout videos. All seemed bleak and hopeless, but God revealed Himself to me many times in unexpected ways such as my practicum at the local high school, and even more oddly, through writing a paper for my capstone history class about water in the west (but that is a story for another post!).

I began doing better mentally and spiritually as I went into my final semester of college and student teaching. I felt ready to begin trying to workout again with the videos from Blogilates. All seemed well, and then the pandemic happened, essentially cutting off my college and student teaching experiences unexpectedly early. But after everything else I had gone through, I felt relatively okay during it all and my relationship with God actually got better and when things did get to be too much, I just went on walks where I could reconnect with Him. Unfortunately, by the time I felt ready to try my hike again, Colorado was basically on fire everywhere so the air pollution got to the point where going outdoors did not seem like a great idea.

It was also around this time, I gained a little weight. Even though it wasn’t enough to be particularly noticeable or even change my clothing size, this felt devastating. As a rule, I do not own a scale. Some of my traumatic experiences in high school revolved around the number on the scale. The number often triggered my periods of starvation back then, and sometimes when I end up in a situation where I am weighed, it can be challenging to refrain from going back to that. Thus, discovering my “quarantine/starting a job teaching where I am exhausted all the time weight gain” was brutal. It actually demotivated me from working out. But I did finally confide in some people about what I was doing with food, including my counselor. And bringing my secret to the light helped a lot. In fact, I have gone about 7 months without actively hiding food.

At the start of this summer, I still felt insecure. I actually decided to take up running in the hopes it would make me “look better” than the Pilates videos were. I quit the running two weeks ago. Turns out I still despise running; I lacked any sort of enjoyment from it. And it was actually causing me a lot of pain – like the bad, injury-inducing kind. And I was not “looking any better” despite 6 weeks of consistent effort. It looked like I would be hitting another low point, but then God showed me something wonderful.

About a month ago, for the first time since 8^th grade, I saw myself without makeup on and I liked my face. A few days ago, I looked at my body in the mirror, ready to criticize myself, as I always do, and in fact had been doing especially brutally recently, but I just… didn’t do it. I can’t say I looked at my body and loved it, but I did look at my body, and not hate it, in fact, I didn’t even dislike it! It’s as if God is beginning to reveal to me how He sees me. He loves my face and He loves my body because He made them Himself! His love for me does not change when I gain or lose weight and He did not stop loving me when I lost my 6-pack, or when I made the bad decisions against my body or when I myself hated my body.

This whole time, I have been free but only now, do I truly feel free. It’s as though a prison guard opened my jail cell door years ago when I began to follow God, but I only now tried to walk out. I am working out by using the YouTube channel again and this time it is because I want to exercise for fun, just like gymnastics was. Back then I loved feeling sore, and it is empowering to feel excited by this again! Today, I finally, returned to the hike and made it to the top and God was there with me.

My journey is far from over – I am still too nervous to step foot in a gym or workout with other people, though I am hopeful I can get to a place where I can do it. Today though, I am finally confident in who I am, inside and out. I used to push others away, fearing if they got too close they would see me the way I saw me, but now I know others can love me, the authentic me. I love me; I am worthy of love because God who is love Himself loves me. He loves you in this way too, dear reader, never forget that. Praise God for helping me to finally remember.

If you’re intrigued by this post and looking forward to what I’ll write about in the future, you can expect a new post at some point in the future. Also, if you feel inclined, feel free to leave a comment below about what you think. Thanks for all your support and I hope you’ll come back the next time I post. Stay Amazing!

A little over two weeks ago I thought that the response to the Corona virus was a huge overreaction. Shortly after that, I heard about what was going on in Italy. Then, just over a week ago, my Spring Break trip, my final Spring Break trip with Cru at CSU got cancelled. The next day, CSU made arrangements to go online for two weeks after Spring Break, and then the day after that Fossil Ridge High School – where I have been student teaching this semester, decided to go online for a week after Spring Break. I spent each class I had last Friday giving students the news and saying my goodbyes in case I never get to see them again. Then every single job fair got cancelled. Then two days ago, CSU announced that they are going online for the remainder of the semester, which likely means it is a matter of time before commencement gets cancelled. And then Cru announced that we would no longer have meetings for the remainder of the semester – which means I’ll never get to go to one again. Then last night, Jared Polis mandated that schools stay shut down until April 17^th. My last day of student teaching is the following Friday, April 24^th, so depending on what happens I may never see my students again.

This is all for the best and it is also changing the way I view God for the better.

I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t shed a few tears over my student teaching experience and final semester in college crashing and burning before my eyes. It really does suck. But it’s a tough time out there for everyone. Lots of people have lost their last semester in college, just like me. Lots of parents are now having to home school their kids and are struggling immensely. Lots of people have been sent home from their study abroad. Lots of people are unemployed and have no clue how they will pay rent. Lots of kids are trapped in homes with abusive family members. Lots of people are sick and lots of people are dying. Everyone is at least a little afraid – this really shows in the grocery stores. And in the stock market.

Right, so why is this all for the best again? And why is this changing the way I view God for the better again?

This is all for the best simply because the alternative is having even more people die. 2-3% of the population may not seem like that many, but that’s actually a staggering number, and one that will continue to rise as we run out of medical equipment. People in critical condition who could survive with a ventilator or other medical equipment could end up dying if we don’t have those kinds of resources to treat them. By engaging in this social distancing (the introvert in me is thrilled!), we slow down the rate at which people get infected, meaning we won’t run out of these resources as fast, and less people will die. If my not getting to complete college the way I wanted to or expected to can save thousands, even millions, I’d say it’s worth it.

But there were other repercussions I mentioned earlier on here as well such as increase in abuse and the economic issues that have already begun as employees get laid off and businesses begin to shut down. And all of this feeds into what appears to be a never-ending loop of fear. So how can I say that this destruction and darkness is worth it, or even go so far as to say it has altered my relationship with God for the better?

One reason I love history so much, is because it repeats itself. If we take the time to learn about the past, it can help us become better equipped for the future. Right now we are in the midst of something pretty scary, certainly. But this is not exactly the first time there has been a pandemic. There have been several over the years, with one of the more recent major ones occurring in 1918. This also is not exactly the first time there have been major economic hardships. Most people reading this probably remember The Great Recession in 2008. And people panicked during both of those, much like how people are panicking now. There have been larger past catastrophes in the past and people have bounced back, just as we will from this. Just like in those past catastrophes, we have an amazing God to rely on.

It might seem like an odd thing to say. Why would God allow things like this to happen? It’s a valid question and I can’t say I have much of an answer, but I do think situations like these ought to create a sense of humility. A virus just brought all of humanity to its knees. The things we think we deserve; graduations, sports, going out to eat, bowling, bars, etc. have been shut down. Just as God can provide us with amazing things, He can also take them away. In the Old Testament, people would often turn to things (and they aren’t always necessarily bad things) before turning to God and we often do the same today. Like I said, history repeats itself.

Most of the issues around this virus stem from how people are behaving and not from the virus itself. The virus doesn’t empty grocery stores of their toilet paper, people do. The virus doesn’t plummet the stock market, people do. Therefore, God is not the one causing all of this turmoil. The virus exposes us for who we really are; afraid, and that leads to some sinful actions. We need to see this as the time to turn back to Him with a heart that is grateful for what we do have. The darker a place is, the easier it is to see the light, just as the more we see the sinful nature of humanity, the easier it is to see why God sent Jesus down here to save us 2000 years ago.

I realize this is a controversial stance to take, but I will stand by it. I have struggled with anxiety all my life, so for me it has been interesting to see how people are reacting as they begin to experience emotions I have dealt with my entire life. I could choose to be angry at God for my anxiety but instead I choose to rely on him because I am unable to rely on just myself. In the New Testament, Paul begs God to rid him of his flaws, but God refuses.

“Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. ⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” -2^nd Corinthians 12: 7-10.

This pandemic is not the first trial we have faced, and it won’t be the last. This also is not the first time we have seen massive amounts of sin, and it won’t be the last. As everything continues to unfold, we will probably see governments continue to fall short – after all, they are run by people. But we will also see God working through others in this time, like the stores that are providing shopping hours for the elderly, the doctors and nurses working day and night to look after others, and people like you and me sacrificing certain luxuries to protect others from getting sick. We don’t have shopping, restaurants, parties, or even in-person interactions to rely on anymore when we are afraid or upset. But pandemic or not, we always have God to turn to and that’s who we should be turning to first no matter what other lesser options we have. Years from now, this event will likely amass to being no more than a paragraph in a high school history textbook, just like how we view the Spanish flu which was far more deadly. But I hope that you can use this to change your perspective on what we shouldn’t be taking for granted and exactly who we should be relying on.

If you’re intrigued by this post and looking forward to what I’ll write about in the future, you can expect a new post at some point in the future. Also, if you feel inclined, feel free to leave a comment below about what you think. Thanks for all your support and I hope you’ll come back the next time I post. Stay Amazing!

In less than 48 hours I will be trying to learn the names of over 100 teenagers, meeting school staff members, lesson planning, and diving into student teaching. Over break I told person after person how excited I was to finally be getting to do what I am passionate about (albeit for no pay), to really learn the ins and outs of teaching, to build up my own knowledge and skills, and of course, to help kids learn, grow, and reach their full potential. And all of this is true, I am so excited. But me being me, I have a few concerns about this whole ordeal. Once again, I decided to play a game that is impossible to win. I call it ‘The What If Game.’

For those of you who have never played, or don’t know the rules of this game, they are quite simple; continuously create a bunch of frightening hypothetical scenarios that will likely never happen, and trick yourself into thinking you are being proactive by preparing for them when in reality you are actually just scaring yourself more and not getting anything constructive accomplished. It is a fairly simple, yet dangerous game. For your amusement, here are, in no particular order, a few of my what ifs that I have created over the past few days regarding student teaching, varying greatly in levels of seriousness and overall likelihood of occurring:

• What if all of my students hate me?
• What if all of the staff hates me?
• What if I am trying to teach and all of a sudden, a giant bee gets in the classroom and stings my face?
• What if an asteroid hits part of the building?
• What if a student mistakes me for a high schooler and hits on me?
• What if none of my students like Harry Potter (Honestly one of the most frightening thoughts on here!)?
• What if I accidentally teach some incorrect information?
• What if a student shows up to class with a hermit crab (apparently this happened to a teacher I know one time so it’s very possible!)?
• What if I ruin a kid’s life?
• What if I really mess this whole thing up?

As previously stated, winning The What If Game is impossible. It is best just not to play it, but unfortunately, I tend to get easily sucked into playing, especially with major events going on in my life, such as student teaching. This game typically blows all anxieties out of proportion. A student probably won’t show up with a hermit crab and if they did, I know I can figure out what to do. There’s bound to be at least one student who likes Harry Potter, and this hypothetical at least serves as a reminder that I will never be as bad of a teacher as Umbridge was! And as far as ruining a kid’s life, I need to do a quick pride check if I truly believe I am such an incremental part of a student’s life that it would truly be possible to ruin their whole life, especially since I am actively trying to care for and help my students.

But nevertheless, the worries continued coming in until it felt as if I was battling a giant monster. In fact, this morning I was reading 1 Samuel 17, which is the story about David and Goliath. At first glance it reminded me of my situation. Of course, I am clearly no David; I am like one of the cowering Israelites. In situations that scare us the most, or in areas where we are facing extreme difficulties, we always play the role of the cowering Israelite and ultimately have to rely on God, who in this story was working through David, to help us in our struggles. With God alongside me, I knew I could tackle this whole student teaching thing. But upon further examination, I realized I had miscast-ed my ‘Goliath.’ My Goliath is not student teaching. Student teaching cannot be the enemy because it is actually a beneficial step in my career journey. My Goliath is not the school staff because they are there to support me, and my Goliath is not the students because they are why I am going into teaching.

My Goliath is the compilation of all of my fears.

Basically, I have DIYed my Goliath. So that’s just great. But it’s pretty hard to defeat a Goliath when you don’t even know who your Goliath is, so at least I am now on the right track. My Goliath, the result of The What If Game, is not something I can defeat on my own. And since it’s an abstract concept, some rocks and a slingshot aren’t going to cut it either. Many pieces of my Goliath are the lies I am telling myself, such as ‘I am unprepared,’ ‘I do not deserve to be a student teacher here,’ ‘Any mistake I make is going to ruin everything, so I have to be perfect.’ That last one hits the hardest and certainly applies to more areas than student teaching.

And this is where God comes in. Because where Satan brings lies, God brings truth. ‘I am prepared and capable, both because of my classes and experiences and because God has equipped me.’ ‘I have worked hard to become a student teacher here, and ultimately I am where God wants me to be.’ ‘I will make some mistakes, but I can use them to learn and do better in the future and God will be there all along the way.’ When you have the Lord as your support system, Goliath can be crushed.

I suppose it is fitting that today’s daily Bible verse in the Bible App was this:

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Philippians 4:6

I am taking my fears regarding my upcoming student teaching situation to the Lord. I am choosing to give thanks that I have this incredible opportunity and am ultimately requesting that He be there every frightening step of the way. And by giving this up to God and quitting The What If Game, my Goliath will fall and then I can focus on all the exciting aspects of this semester as a student teacher. It’s going to be a great way to start the decade and end my time in college. Wish me (and my students and colleagues) luck!

If you’re intrigued by this post and looking forward to what I’ll write about in the future, you can expect a new post at some point in the future. Also, if you feel inclined, feel free to leave a comment below about what you think. Thanks for all your support and I hope you’ll come back the next time I post. Stay Amazing!

On Saturday our team did an outreach near where we live. We each got to do our own project and had the choice between asking people some questions and photographing them while they answered, or collecting items from people that they were going to throw out and create art out of it. The point of both projects was to demonstrate how beauty can be made from brokenness. Because the idea of taking photos of strangers felt more awkward than asking strangers for their garbage, I opted for option number two. I ended up getting a straw from two women who just wanted me to leave them alone, a baseball gambling sheet (the guy lost!), business cards for Cole Custom Coach Autobody Repair from a Vietnam war vet, and twelve cents from a woman who told me a good chunk of her life story.

Because I am terrible at art with even the best materials, I opted to write a short story that include the four objects people gave me. Spending forty-five minutes creating a story by using strangers unwanted items was actually more enjoyable than I expected and perhaps I will do it again in the future. My teammates encouraged me to post it so here it is, hope you enjoy!

It is easier to give power to sin than it is to take away that power, or even stop it from getting power in the first place. Cole learned that lesson the hard way. Cole wanted more than he was getting from a loving wife and the stresses of owning and running a custom truck and trailer repair service. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to do well, until it takes over everything.

Like with most people, Cole’s sins started out small. Sometimes Cole would over charge his customers, but only the jerks, and only when he was worried about paying the bills on time. But sin was not content with such a small foothold. Cole began to cheat everyone, all the time. He would grow angry when people questioned his final prices, and then angrier when they were unable to pay. Once, a man was twelve cents short on his payment. Cole shouted at the man until his voice grew hoarse.

After that his business collapsed and eventually closed. But the bars were always open late. So late in fact, that Cole’s wife grew tired of waiting up for him night after night, and only finding a crueler, drunken version of the man she said “I do” to and decided to leave. Cole barely noticed her absence; he was more focused on the absence of money in his bank account.

Bookies in the bar noticed Cole’s desire for money too. So Cole began betting on baseball games. But it turns out Cole could never pick a winner. His debt grew. And so did the threats from the bookies if he didn’t pay them soon. So one night Cole made a bet, that if he won would be enough money to pay back the books. That night, Cole sat in the bar, using a straw to mix his sixth drink, while his eyes were glued to the tv. It was the bottom of the ninth and a tie game – that is until a batter hit a home run. But the batter was not on the team Cole picked.

The shattering of glass caught people’s attention and it was impossible to tell what glass came from the TV and what glass came from the remains of Cole’s drink. It was easier to see what parts of the bartender Cole hit because of all the bruising and swelling.

When Cole arrived in court he was facing up to twelve years in prison and two-hundred and fifty thousand dollars in fines. Cole’s heart sand when the judge entered the room. Cole remembered every one of his customers from his repair days, and the man who was twelves cents short was no exception.

The judge agreed to the full sentencing of the fine. But before dismissing everyone, he wrote a check and gave it to Cole. It was a check for two-hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Cole handed in the check wordlessly and the judge declared Cole’s monetary debt cancelled.

A few days into his prison sentence, the judge came to visit Cole, who had several questions. The judge shared the gospel, explaining how Jesus took on the price for sin despite being sinless himself. He gifted Cole with a Bible and would visit him once a month until he was released from prison twelve years later.

Most of these stories end with highly uplifting results of the person surrendering to Christ, reading the whole Bible, leading studies, speaking in churches after getting out of their rough situation, and bringing others to Christ by the hundreds. This is not that kind of story.  Cole did accept Christ, though he never read the whole Bible. He never led a Bible study, but he went to want and always participated. He never spoke at in front of a church, but he went to one every Sunday and even volunteered occasionally. He did not lead hundreds to Christ in his lifetime, but he did lead three. It took Cole years, even after prison to fully surrender his sin. The day Cole received the offering box and decided to give was a joyful day indeed.

Most of the changes in Cole did not occur overnight, but they did occur, though with setbacks, and that is all normal. Even after being saved, sin is tempting and even indulged in. But with God it also triumphed over. The debt is canceled, even when more infractions are made. But a relationship with God is far more fulfilling than any indulgence of sin. We may not change all of our ways overnight and we may even have some sins that will last the rest of our lives. But God used Jesus to keep us from being enslaved to them. Sin trapped Cole, but God freed Him, just as he has freed all of us. This short story is fictional in the details, but in a broader sense, it is a true story.

If you’re intrigued by this post and looking forward to what I’ll write about in the future, you can expect a new post at some point in the future. Also, if you feel inclined, feel free to leave a comment below about what you think. Thanks for all your support and I hope you’ll come back the next time I post. Stay Amazing!

Radiators weigh several hundred pounds. Yesterday I helped move some out of a church in Massachusetts. There’s just something about working together with people to move heavy objects that makes you feel pretty good. Especially when you are doing it to help people. It reminded me of the time I went to Katy with Cru to help with Hurricane Harvey relief (click here if you want to read that post, I think it’s one of the best ones I have ever written, though that may not be saying much!). I always feel a lot closer to God when I am doing things like this. I also felt close to Him this week as our team launched our first week of camp. Overall things went well, though ending early on Tuesday because of the rain was a bit of a bummer. Spending time with the kids and getting to know them and their parents, and doing skits about fruit, clumsy people, and problematic sheep was a blast. But my favorite part was going through the wordless book – a great way of sharing the gospel in a way that is easy for kids (and adults!) to understand it. There will be a link at the bottom if you are curious about what this is, but it is an incredible tool. But sharing it reminds me of how much I love teaching. Both teaching and moving radiators drew me closer to God; I felt strong, confident, equipped, and like God really can use me.

I wish it was a feeling I had all the time.

Big cities scare me. For starters the buildings are quite tall (which is a shame because of my fear of heights!), and there are so many of them. Cities are noisy and there is way less space than in the suburbs. The day after we arrived in Providence, our staff leader showed us the ‘park’ outside of our apartment, and it was about the size of a front lawn (it made us all laugh!). But what really scares me about big cities are the people.

For me, interacting with people, especially strangers, terrifies me. I explain the fear by saying that my stomach gets that feeling like being on a roller-coaster minus the fun part. There are lots of strangers in big cities. Most of them are probably very nice, though certainly not perfect, just like me. But instead, I direct my focus on ensuring my safety and keeping my guard up in fear of the small minority of people that could hurt me.

Stepping outside, my heart rate quickens. I scan the perimeter for potential threats and then proceed with caution. A car is headed my way when it suddenly slows down, and I move more into the sidewalk, away from the street – just in case. The car passes me and then stops. I quicken my pace. The car moves again. The person was looking for the correct address. False alarm.

I am at camp SummerOff in the park (this one is significantly bigger than a lawn!) talking and coloring with kids. One booming noise rings through the air. I jump, realizing how many kids there are and how much of an open space this is. A few seconds later I learn that a soccer ball had rolled into the street and a car ran over it, causing that powerful popping noise. False alarm.

Alarms like these go off in my head a lot, but in a big city where there is an increase of stimuli, they are nearly constant. Sometimes though, they are legitimate. One time when I was about eleven years old, I went to the rec center with a friend and there was a man  who gave me a feeling of discomfort I couldn’t shake but tried to ignore (believe me, with as many as these alarms going off in my head that I have it is impossible to dive into all of them). But then he followed my friend and I into the steam room. Then down the water slide. Coincidental? Maybe. Getting into the pool and inserting himself directly in between my friend and I while we were sitting down? Not so much.

That story ends with my friend and I getting out of the pool and going to the locker room, the guy telling us to come back, telling our parents, and then going back in and informing the lifeguard about what happened but by then he was gone. So sometimes the alarms in my head are right. But a lot of times they are not.

Feeling on edge regularly is one among many reasons it is tough for me to feel strong, confident, and equipped. How can God use a jumpy, alarm-ridden and slightly awkward (but in a good way, I have been told!) young woman to spread the gospel to others? Sometimes I focus more on my weaknesses, or what I often and maybe even somewhat cruelly call ‘my defects’ than I do on the gifts God has given me. A few days after getting to Rhode Island, our leader gave all of us tests that can help us determine our spiritual gifts. My top three were teaching, serving, and words of wisdom. I scored pretty high on these but there were many where I didn’t. But odd are, most people score high on few and low on many. And many probably scored high on ones I scored low on.

God has given me opportunities on this mission to use all three of these gifts. But He did this in the type of location I typically do not thrive in. Good thing God is what makes us thrive and not a location. We just have to remember that God can use us no matter where we are, though it is important to trust Him and follow His lead. I will always be flawed and sinful. Odds are I will always go into instant survivor-mode anytime I perceive there to be anything even remotely threatening. But weaknesses keep our pride in check because they prove that we have to rely on God and that it is through Him that we do good things and not through ourselves. In 2 Corinthians Paul mentions his own weaknesses.

“Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, I am strong.” – 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

Aspects of Rhode Island will keep me weak, but with God, I am strong, confident, and equipped to share the gospel and proclaim His name here.

To learn more about the wordless book, click here.

If you’re intrigued by this post and looking forward to what I’ll write about in the future, you can expect a new post at some point in the future. Also, if you feel inclined, feel free to leave a comment below about what you think. Thanks for all your support and I hope you’ll come back the next time I post. Stay Amazing!

The smallest state in the U.S. has the longest name. Rhode Island’s full official name is actually the ‘State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations.’ It was also the first state to renounce its allegiance from Britain. It was founded as a colony in the 1600’s as a place of religious freedom. In fact, the term Providence, which is the name of the capital, means “the protective care of God or of nature as a spiritual power.”

But a lot changes in four hundred years.

Today Rhode Island is spiritually desolate. Faith is no longer cherished, and Providence is the third most Post-Christian city in America. I’ll include the link at the end of this, but basically what Post-Christian means is individuals lack Christian identity based on a checklist also stated in the article. Interestingly enough, most of these top Post-Christian cities are on the East Coast.

People do not have to leave the United States to spread the gospel. I have been asked many times, “Audrey, why Rhode Island?” God calls people to different places and I was called to Providence. If people everywhere need Jesus but people only went to Kenya to share the gospel, it would get, well crowded for one thing, plus the rest of the world would not get to learn about Jesus. People living on the East Coast of the United States need Jesus just as much as people in Germany, Venezuela, Egypt, etc.

We are called to minister to everyone. Before Jesus ascended into heaven he told his disciples “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” – Matthew 28:19-20.

But doing so certainly comes with its challenges. We are wrapping up week two out of nine in Providence and only two of the four of us have secured jobs. I start July 1^st at Build-A-Bear and I am so excited to work there! I am thankful that I not only get to work and build relationships with co-workers while I am here but also, it’s Build-A-Bear, how cool is that? Nevertheless, two of my friends are still praying for employment and it is beginning to feel hopeless.

Sometimes sharing the gospel feels hopeless. Tomorrow morning our team will put on our first week of summer camp, where we hope to share the gospel with children and even their parents. This past week has been focused on training and planning out the camp. Odds are, over the coming weeks, some families may accept Christ, but many will not. Luckily, God does not have quotas for us to meet. Our program director for these camps has a tattoo of a starfish on her foot. It’s based off of this story about a massive storm that washes thousands of starfish onto shore where they begin to die. Two people go for a walk on the beach and one keeps picking up starfish and throwing them into the ocean. One asks the other why they bother, it makes no difference because most will die before they can get back into the ocean. It’s a hopeless situation, really. Picking up another starfish, the person replies, “it made a difference for this one.”

I came to Providence from the state of Colorado because God wanted me to. I will not impact the entire city, but hopefully there are a few I can make a difference for. God has a way of piecing things together, if we choose to follow His call. Did you know that Colorado has a state motto? I came across it a few weeks before leaving. Nil sine numine. I know, mind-blowing right?!? Oh right, most of you readers are like me and probably don’t understand Latin. Translated into English, this is “Nothing without providence.” I think this is interesting, considering my current position. God is a funny guy.

Rhode Island has a state motto too. It is in English though, so I guess it is a little less exciting. And unlike much of their state history, I think this one stands the test of time. “Hope.” If you read my last post, you know how many challenges our team has already faced. But we are still here and ready to minister to others. We are putting our trust and our hopes in God. Yes, us being in Providence and running camps through the SummerOff program for a few weeks likely will not bring the state back to the religious ideal it was once founded on, or get it off the list of Post-Christian cities, but it will make a difference to some people. There will be some that learn about God, decide they want to know Him, and accept Christ. That’s the hope.

For the article I mentioned click here

If you’re intrigued by this post and looking forward to what I’ll write about in the future, you can expect a new post at some point in the future. Also, if you feel inclined, feel free to leave a comment below about what you think. Thanks for all your support and I hope you’ll come back the next time I post. Stay Amazing!

On Monday night, my grandmother had a stroke and is now recovering well after being released from the hospital. And I was not there. On Friday, my friend celebrated her 22^nd birthday. And I was not there. Today, two of my friends married each other and my Dad and sister went to a Rockies game to celebrate Father’s Day. And I was not there. Every night since June 8^th, the sun has set over the Rocky Mountains, each one being a unique masterpiece water colored by God Himself.

And I was not there.

Saturday, June 8, 2019, 2:08 pm EST. A plane landed in Providence, Rhode Island. Surviving on about three hours of sleep and a packet of airline pretzels, I got off the plane, but the reality still hadn’t sunk in. I was on the other side of the country in a brand-new place where I would live for nine weeks with three girls I had yet to meet, with the intentions of glorifying God. Even after meeting my team and getting settled into the apartment, I still wondered when it would sink in that I was on a Cru Summer Mission.

It did not sink in on Sunday at church when meeting friendly people like Ray who plays percussion and loves puns, or Sylvia who wins shirts playing Bingo. Or when my team and I met the pastor and learned a little more about the camp we would be helping to run. Or when our team did a scavenger hunt around Providence to get to know the city better. It also didn’t feel real when I stuck my hands in the tank of our apartment toilet because our renters thought it was crafty to try to fix the chain connected to the handle with a paper clip (it actually was a pretty genius move on their part to be honest!). Even when walking up and down the streets and around the mall searching for a summer job, reality never struck me.

The reality finally struck when I realized that life in Colorado kept moving without me. Life goes on and I do not have the ability to be in multiple places at once. And it can be tough to grapple with. I would be lying if I said I hadn’t asked God several times if He was really sure that He was right in bringing me to Providence, and taking me away from everything happening back home (yes I am aware, that it is quite prideful to ask God to re-evaluate things, I am human, sue me!). But after just over a week, I do feel confident in stating that He was right to call me out here. If I didn’t come to Providence, I may not have missed things back home, like mountain sunsets (seriously, it is really flat terrain out here!) or events with friends and family, but I would have missed the events going on in Providence.

Things I would have missed by not coming to Rhode Island are a mix of fun times and sorrows, but all are teaching moments about God. I would have missed getting to know and live with three amazing women from all over the country who answered God with a “yes.” I would have missed out on getting to experience living in a place besides Colorado for an extended period of time. This week I got to explore Providence, Boston, and a whole lot of ice cream places because of the Rhode Island Food Fights coupons for free ice cream at twenty-three different locations (I have a feeling we will not be able to make it to all of them unfortunately). I also rode a bike for the first time in nine years and did not maim myself or others while attempting to steer through the city, so I would also consider that a victory!

As our team is the first one ever doing a Cru-affiliated mission here, additional stress comes with creating a foundation, and other events, both ones that bring immense joy and immense sorrow, have contributed to this stress. We rejoiced meeting the newborn baby of one staff couple. She arrived earlier than planned, coming a few days before the other women and I arrived. She is a blessing, albeit, an earlier than expected one which understandably changes some of the plans of this mission. And we are mourning and grieving the loss of another child, and seeking to find God and His goodness in such overwhelming pain. Some of us are struggling to find jobs, with some coming in with what they thought was guaranteed employment, only to have it fall through at the last second. And as we have reached out to the neighborhood around us, having great conversations with people, it was also clear that many people here are hurting, and they do not have a relationship with God in the midst of their trials.

I have often wondered just where God is in struggles like these, and in the baggage I am carrying with me from the past semester. This week He is teaching me to rely on Him instead of my own expectations and compulsive need to think up potential future scenarios and then solve them. Because for once, there were numerous things I have failed to predict. And we are only just approaching week two out of nine. He is also revealing to me that even though life goes on in Colorado, it also goes on in Providence. And He wants me in Rhode Island for nine weeks of that life. Yes, I miss my mountains, I am missing birthdays, weddings, family events, and Cru Summer Connect nights in Fort Collins with my friends, but if I was there, I would be missing things here. Right now, Providence is the right place for me and in another eight weeks, Fort Collins will be the right place. There is still a lot I do not understand, and a lot of growth will occur as more moments of joy and more moments of hardship crop up this summer. But God will be there, in control of it all. As I often say when I realize I honestly don’t know anything, “that God guy, He knows what He’s doing.”

If you’re intrigued by this post and looking forward to what I’ll write about in the future, you can expect a new post at some point in the future. Also, if you feel inclined, feel free to leave a comment below about what you think. Thanks for all your support and I hope you’ll come back the next time I post. Stay Amazing!

Last weekend, I went back home to see my family and celebrate a family friend’s birthday. Then on Sunday, we went to the 11 a.m. Flatirons church service at their main location in Lafayette. For those of you that don’t know, Flatirons is, well, it’s an experience. For starters it is massive; there are thousands of people who attend every single service, and that doesn’t include their other campuses or their online viewers. You never know what to expect at a service. Last Christmas Eve, pastor Jim held a lamb and at another service he wore a harness and ‘fell’ about twenty feet. And the music makes you feel like you’re jamming out at rock concert (don’t worry, they do provide ear plugs!). Sometimes they play today’s popular Christian music, and other times they play songs they’ve written, and they also play variety of other things, such as Imagine Dragons, and Nirvana (also if you ever go, be sure to watch their violinist, he gets so amped and it’s amazing!). Last weekend they played ‘Come As You Are’ by Nirvana, and believe it or not, it was quite fitting.

The pastor who spoke that weekend was Ben, and he’s newer (and way less bald!) than the other ones, but he did a phenomenal job, which is why I am writing about this. I am also going to include the link to a video of the service, because I will definitely fail to give it justice. First he told the fairly well-known story about the time Jesus brought a man named Lazarus back to life. Here is the story, John 11:17 – 44.

 On his arrival, Jesus found that Lazarus had already been in the tomb for four days.  Now Bethany was less than two miles from Jerusalem, and many Jews had come to Martha and Mary to comfort them in the loss of their brother.  When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him, but Mary stayed at home.

 “Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died.  But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.”

 Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.”

 Martha answered, “I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day.”

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”

“Yes, Lord,” she replied, “I believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, who is to come into the world.”

 After she had said this, she went back and called her sister Mary aside. “The Teacher is here,” she said, “and is asking for you.”  When Mary heard this, she got up quickly and went to him.  Now Jesus had not yet entered the village, but was still at the place where Martha had met him.  When the Jews who had been with Mary in the house, comforting her, noticed how quickly she got up and went out, they followed her, supposing she was going to the tomb to mourn there.

 When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.  “Where have you laid him?” he asked.

“Come and see, Lord,” they replied.

Jesus wept.

 Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!”

 But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?”

 Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance. “Take away the stone,” he said.

“But, Lord,” said Martha, the sister of the dead man, “by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days.”

 Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?”

 So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me.  I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.”

 When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!”  The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face.

Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.”

So my takeaway from this story has always been that it’s just one of Jesus’ many miracles and that this is foreshadowing of His own resurrection, which is true, but Ben gave additional insight. He talked about how when Jesus arrived to the village, Martha and Mary were essentially telling Him that it was too late; Lazarus was already dead, and had been dead for a few days. Jesus wanted to roll away the stone but Martha objected because of the odor, and because of the additional heartache that would follow. But Jesus insisted, and He brought the man back to life and told him to take off his grave clothes.

We all have parts of our lives that we think are dead and just like in the story, we try to cover our tombs with a stone and move on. But that’s not how it works. If Jesus can bring a dead man back to life then He can certainly bring life back to whatever you’ve given up on, whether it’s an addiction, financial hardship, relationship issues, etc. It is never too late, and we shouldn’t have to cover up all of our problems and insecurities and pretend like everything is fine all the time. Especially in front of God; He already knows what’s going on anyway. It’s common for churches to begin by praying that everyone can leave their baggage at the door, which is a way of praying that people focus on the message and don’t get distracted. But the wording is all wrong. Church is a place to bring our baggage to God, to find comfort, and find support and fellowship from others.

That is why, Ben explains, Flatirons believes in loving and accepting people for who they are, happy, sad, broken, lost, etc. Authenticity is essential. That’s why the band played the Nirvana song. Because when going to church, or going to God, you should Come As You Are. What made this message so powerful to me, is that it’s not the first time I have heard this expression. The first time I heard the words ‘Come As You Are’ was in August of 2016 and it was life-changing.

I was nervous as I walked into Johnson Hall 222 at CSU on Thursday night at 7:30. I had a friend with me, but still, checking out some new campus ministry called ‘Cru’ that’s full of people you’ve never met and trying to rekindle your broken relationship with God, while feeling broken, is a bit intimidating. But everyone seemed friendly enough and then we all sat at some tables as a video played. Repeatedly, the phrase ‘Come As You Are,’ was said. And so I did. I kept coming back, as I was. Over time, what I was continued to change for the better as my relationship with God flourished and I began to make friends as I continued attending the weekly meetings and Bible Studies.

Today, I am still broken, but then again, we all are. But God is always there to love me despite my brokenness, and to remind me that it’s never too late for Him. ‘Come As You Are’ is the Cru mantra, and it’s reassuring to know that it is used at a church that so many people I know attend. So check out Flatirons church, and if you’re in college, be sure to check out Cru. And always remember to Come As You Are.

For those who are interested, here is the link to the full service from pastor Ben last weekend: http://flatironschurch.com/fi-messages/here-for-you-week-2/

Additional note; I realize I have not been doing a good job at the whole posting weekly thing, sorry about that. I’ll try to write more than I have been lately but I am making know promises, so instead of saying I’ll post every Saturday, I’m just going to post when I feel like it. Very organized and professional, I know!

If you’re intrigued by this post and looking forward to what I’ll write about in the future, you can expect a new post at some point in the future. Also, if you feel inclined, feel free to leave a comment below about what you think. Thanks for all your support and I hope you’ll come back the next time I post. Stay Amazing!