Alarms

Radiators weigh several hundred pounds. Yesterday I helped move some out of a church in Massachusetts. There’s just something about working together with people to move heavy objects that makes you feel pretty good. Especially when you are doing it to help people. It reminded me of the time I went to Katy with Cru to help with Hurricane Harvey relief (click here if you want to read that post, I think it’s one of the best ones I have ever written, though that may not be saying much!). I always feel a lot closer to God when I am doing things like this. I also felt close to Him this week as our team launched our first week of camp. Overall things went well, though ending early on Tuesday because of the rain was a bit of a bummer. Spending time with the kids and getting to know them and their parents, and doing skits about fruit, clumsy people, and problematic sheep was a blast. But my favorite part was going through the wordless book – a great way of sharing the gospel in a way that is easy for kids (and adults!) to understand it. There will be a link at the bottom if you are curious about what this is, but it is an incredible tool. But sharing it reminds me of how much I love teaching. Both teaching and moving radiators drew me closer to God; I felt strong, confident, equipped, and like God really can use me.

I wish it was a feeling I had all the time.

Big cities scare me. For starters the buildings are quite tall (which is a shame because of my fear of heights!), and there are so many of them. Cities are noisy and there is way less space than in the suburbs. The day after we arrived in Providence, our staff leader showed us the ‘park’ outside of our apartment, and it was about the size of a front lawn (it made us all laugh!). But what really scares me about big cities are the people.

For me, interacting with people, especially strangers, terrifies me. I explain the fear by saying that my stomach gets that feeling like being on a roller-coaster minus the fun part. There are lots of strangers in big cities. Most of them are probably very nice, though certainly not perfect, just like me. But instead, I direct my focus on ensuring my safety and keeping my guard up in fear of the small minority of people that could hurt me.

Stepping outside, my heart rate quickens. I scan the perimeter for potential threats and then proceed with caution. A car is headed my way when it suddenly slows down, and I move more into the sidewalk, away from the street – just in case. The car passes me and then stops. I quicken my pace. The car moves again. The person was looking for the correct address. False alarm.

I am at camp SummerOff in the park (this one is significantly bigger than a lawn!) talking and coloring with kids. One booming noise rings through the air. I jump, realizing how many kids there are and how much of an open space this is. A few seconds later I learn that a soccer ball had rolled into the street and a car ran over it, causing that powerful popping noise. False alarm.

Alarms like these go off in my head a lot, but in a big city where there is an increase of stimuli, they are nearly constant. Sometimes though, they are legitimate. One time when I was about eleven years old, I went to the rec center with a friend and there was a man  who gave me a feeling of discomfort I couldn’t shake but tried to ignore (believe me, with as many as these alarms going off in my head that I have it is impossible to dive into all of them). But then he followed my friend and I into the steam room. Then down the water slide. Coincidental? Maybe. Getting into the pool and inserting himself directly in between my friend and I while we were sitting down? Not so much.

That story ends with my friend and I getting out of the pool and going to the locker room, the guy telling us to come back, telling our parents, and then going back in and informing the lifeguard about what happened but by then he was gone. So sometimes the alarms in my head are right. But a lot of times they are not.

Feeling on edge regularly is one among many reasons it is tough for me to feel strong, confident, and equipped. How can God use a jumpy, alarm-ridden and slightly awkward (but in a good way, I have been told!) young woman to spread the gospel to others? Sometimes I focus more on my weaknesses, or what I often and maybe even somewhat cruelly call ‘my defects’ than I do on the gifts God has given me. A few days after getting to Rhode Island, our leader gave all of us tests that can help us determine our spiritual gifts. My top three were teaching, serving, and words of wisdom. I scored pretty high on these but there were many where I didn’t. But odd are, most people score high on few and low on many. And many probably scored high on ones I scored low on.

God has given me opportunities on this mission to use all three of these gifts. But He did this in the type of location I typically do not thrive in. Good thing God is what makes us thrive and not a location. We just have to remember that God can use us no matter where we are, though it is important to trust Him and follow His lead. I will always be flawed and sinful. Odds are I will always go into instant survivor-mode anytime I perceive there to be anything even remotely threatening. But weaknesses keep our pride in check because they prove that we have to rely on God and that it is through Him that we do good things and not through ourselves. In 2 Corinthians Paul mentions his own weaknesses.

“Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, I am strong.” – 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

Aspects of Rhode Island will keep me weak, but with God, I am strong, confident, and equipped to share the gospel and proclaim His name here.

To learn more about the wordless book, click here.

If you’re intrigued by this post and looking forward to what I’ll write about in the future, you can expect a new post at some point in the future. Also, if you feel inclined, feel free to leave a comment below about what you think. Thanks for all your support and I hope you’ll come back the next time I post. Stay Amazing!